when i crawl out in the morning can i stay in your head?

      Sometimes when we’re lying next to each other I stare at you and I wonder how all of this happened. If I had taken left turn at that green light instead of turning right, or if I had never moved home, or if my mom had never died. I wonder if this would have happened sooner, I wonder if we never would have been. I want more time, so much more time, just to lie next to you and hear your heart pounding against your ribcage. Nothing makes me happier than that. It’s so simple and so peaceful and yet if it was anyone else, it wouldn’t be the same.

      “Are you done being jealous now?” You asked last night when I came back from the bathroom, which I guess was a longer trip to the bathroom than usual. You had your arms around my waist and you’d moved mine around your neck and we were standing your room and we were dancing and I don’t know why. I guess I was a little jealous, but I never would have noticed if you hadn’t said anything. So instead I told you that putting on tights was a perilous and long ordeal and thus made bathroom breaks take longer than they should. I’m not sure you believed me, but that’s okay.

      After you turned to me and said, “this sounds terrible, but you know I don’t want to date but I want to be your first kiss. And I think I would be incredibly jealous of anyone you were ever with.”

      This is the first time you’ve ever said anything like that. Until now you have declared that you would never be jealous, and that you would never have a problem with anyone that I brought into my life that wasn’t you. And then you said that and I wondered what would happen with us if we just kissed right then. We didn’t. I hate everything that we are.

      But I love you, I love you so much. I tell you as often as I possibly can. I want you to know that you’re the only thing in my life that I don’t think I would survive losing. You’re the only person I’m positive that I’m going to lose. One day you will leave and you will go on great adventures and you will make friends and meet new people and I will still be here. I will continue to sit here and type on my laptop and stare at a screen and feel these stupid emotions that shouldn’t mean anything. You keep telling me that you won’t forget me but I don’t believe a word you say because in the end, everyone forgets me. I am forgettable and I am invisible and you… you are not. You’re so much more than that, and than anything I could ever be. I think that’s why I’m so drawn to you – I want to hold you back. I am selfish and I never want you to leave because you’re the only steady thing in my life.

      But I don’t want you, not like everyone thinks I want you. You understand – we understand each other, what we want, what we need out of this, whatever we are. No one else does and no one else has to. I want to slap people whenever they tell me how cute we would be together because that’s not important and it doesn’t matter. What we are and what we have is important and it matters so much more than anything else I’ve ever had with any person.

      You’re all I’ve got, but you’re also all I need. And for now that’s enough for me.

faerienovel word count

Feb 8th 12.37pm, 1,212 words.

Feb 8th 12.17am, 3,364 words.

9.14 pm, 2237 words. Off to watch and episode of Suburgatory and make sense of the next scene in my mind.

• Faerienovel characters named, novel started. At least 2 chapters outlined, possibly more depending on pacing.
• That’s really about it at the moment.

1. Reworked Faerienovel, working on outlining it now. Still not sure where I want this one to go.
2. Finished initial reworking of Werepire plot, still need to begin proper outline, though general overview is filed away in my head and partially typed up in shared blog.
3. Going over names and ideas for characters in Faerienovel. Didn’t go as planned, but I’m getting some where at least. Still trying to figure out replacement names for Morgan and the rest.

this is an introductory post.

and now it’s not.